Updated: Apr 11
Day 8 i thought that I was going to be ok. you know what happened? i’ll tell you what happened.i’ve pondered on how God remains to be a loving God, sending angels to my direction from the day my supposed ArcAngel clipped his wings. I did a computation and we were together for 868 days. I thought perhaps 8 days after that would be a momentous feat.
Day 1 – my angels were my 2 wican handmaids, my boss and leslie came right to the rescue accompanying me in my simultaneous denial and angry stage in Oody’s, all dressed up for my supposed gimmick night with the love of my life.
Day 2 – first in mind was Grace and Maita, my total girls. They were on instant support mode filling up for me at a shoot and accompanying me to an event in case i need to take time out for a “moment” which i apparently had lots of moments after. I considered heading to Xaymaca, my former haven of sound and rockstar friends since it was Sessi0nroad’s anniversary — how timely don’t you think? but i ended up working my ass off in the office ’til 4am which i later realized was to be a habit because i couldn’t possible be productive sulking at home, nor would it be a good idea venting it out in front of Mio in case i have a heightened “moment”.
Day 3 – My angel was Kathy Calderon. It was my first friday without Joao and i kept hearing songs and looking forward to a sizzling friday night which i had for the past 2 years and i just broke down.. Kathy insisted that we go to Mariel’s party and make me feel better. I did my closing remarks to Joao moments after thinking it would be the best goodbye. I thought i was strong enough to handle a deed. i was wrong. the point was, HE was suppose to be reminded of so many fond memories with me he’d come crawling back.
Day 4 – Boots Salon was the angel for the day. For business reasons, i cannot disclose why just yet. the Smart Parenting team was also a pick me upper that day. And Iggy too who offered to have lunch on Day 2. Sweet of one of his friends to do, right?
Day 5 – I would say it was Hannah Aquino, my July 7 bride. She was definitely a fresh breeze of God’s love for a moment there. I sincerely felt prayers sung for me. 🙂
Day 6 – was my besty Shred! He came home from Riyadh two weeks before that and bought a car just that day and decided to surprise me because he didn’t want to commute going to my place. haha!
Day 7 – Jean and Con, my friends for life. We capped off the evening with our usual coffee bashing and knock on the head routine.
Day 8 – I had a great morning with my favorite client slash friend, Gab Dela Merced. During her shoot I thought i was going to be ok from then on. But I saw grace ang G3rd and started getting teary-eyed missing all the people who used to be part of my life because they were just as much a part of his. That evening, I wowed the whole event receiving compliments at the bedhead event like “you really look great, you stood out among all the whites.” i was sc
Day 9 – It was a busy day getting ready for tomorrow’s turnover. I worked. Hard. and stayed in the office as usual. I fixed my makeup, I fixed my pullouts, I laid out all the stuff I had to write and in the middle of “What if” by kate winslet among my random itunes playlist, i sobbed. hard. right on my desk. a moment dawned on me without realizing that there were still few people in the office. And GH and Cosmo EICs handed me a box of godiva chocolates. Angels.
Day 11 – i took mio to the dentist and tried hard to distract myself. but i sobbed again once i parted with my son. and i went out again with connie and showed off my gimmick skills acquired for 2 years. i told her we can have a hefty dinner at jjs for half the cost. i was fretting that i felt joao would be in fiama with his cousins and i pathetically wanted to go there. i relaxed once i eased into showing off my new mineral makeup samples (shopping therapy) and did connie’s makeup impromptu in jjs. and then it happened. joao walked behind us and connie’s eyes brightened in horror. and i cursed so hard because i knew my feelings were right! i thought it can’t not be meant to be if i had that connection with this guy. but he was so ordinary and looked really ok i felt sorry for myself. this was the day i thought that joao was my 8th angel. apparently not.
Day 12 – i snapped. i brought mio to the movies to watch shrek and
Day 13 – an early day to work. on a monday. after a crying spell and waking up to another. how bad a start is that? i got to the office to get things done and before my officemates filled up i picked up the phone and begged him back. i begged so hard. but he won’t come back. but he called my friend jean. so he must still care. he had to. nobody created in God’s goodness will just wake up one day and decide to stop loving someone? we’ve gone through hell and back and i was his princess! I was his god damn princess, the love of his life, i was his inspiration for everything and God knows the things we’ve overcome together, we can overcome our own fears and pride? we should. i had to be the person giving deeper meaning to his rather selfish and shallow life! for crying out loud i thought my life was set and perfect and that God has already put me in place where i belonged. i was happy and content with the people surrounding me and the things i did, He can’t take the love of my life away from me? No. call it bargaining but i sincerely believed that our love was greater than anything tangible on earth. apparently its not bigger than him.
I cried another day. yesterday. i begged him one more time atop a three-story building and the shower of rain poured while i did. i did what i had to do. but you can’t blame me if i feel like i was led to believe that i was worth loving my a decent man. i felt that i was worth more than what jerks are fond of. the night before my son was still in separation anxiety. it almost feels like he’s kidding me. “where’s my picture of tito joao? the plenty ones? i like to see, call tito joao”… i just hung up on the phone with him and again after i tell him i miss him he utters “how about tito joao?” i asked for a long hug once and he said, “long hug like with tito joao?” how do you get over a person who’s a staple in your staple people? how do you expect me to be ok huh?I did say two years ago that if things don’t work out then Mio and i will be fine.
But the in betweens meant and weighed more. two years ago i sincerely believed that we were each other’s answered prayers. He was a gift from God and i took really good care of him and loved him the way “freakin Jesus would do” (Izzie moment). I loved the way God would have wanted me to in spite of how difficult it was. I submitted myself because I thought i was loving the way God would have wanted to transcend His love through me. I sincerely thought I was doing something good to contribute to the greater good by being with this person. How can someone do good and lose in the end? how can this be happening to me. i don’t deserve this. I so do not deserve this.
Posted on Multiply, May 29, 2007 10:33am