The fact is I am crazy
Updated: Apr 11
I was always scared that someday my ex would call me just like one of his exes… psycho. But don’t we all turn psycho after things don’t turn out the way we planned them to be? Boss however also told me once, “Jas you’re crazy. But I love you. And maybe that’s why I love you.” And that’s the way it should be, right?
I was crazy in love once in my life.
“erase those photos… cut all contacts… wear this… wear that, you have to be out at exactly 6pm… stay home… let the vr (vehicle requested from the office) nlng take you home, i’ll talk to you on the phone…” at the end of the day, in spite of the fact that i’ve been dramatically malnourished for 4 years due to the lack of theater, i put up with it because this was for the person i loved. i did it all to please only one person. I didn’t want to disappoint him because after all, if he was the one, he deserved it. I always said that if you wanted to be a good wife, you have to accept that there’s a certain level of submission you have to do and keep some dignity for yourself. There was a saying too however, that a partner cannot respect you if you do not respect yourself. Maybe that’s what happened.
For 2 years and more months so, I was led to believe that the rest of my life was a mess and that I was too bold and theater was the culprit. or that my choice of places to hang out in were. And i had to accustom myself to someone else’s lifestyle — hiphop, rich and famous, conservative and rigid, mostly fun and friendships — and I saw that it was a good place i can get used to. and i did. i loved it there.
What happened was i forgot. I forgot how fabulous I was all on my own. And i was quick to take on a role named Princess. He did treat me like a princess. at the start. but the truth of the matter is that, i am far from a princess. I have worked my way up the ladder to any position I landed. I commuted. i rode the tricycle. I change diapers after a night’s gimmick. I get dirty from pollution and dust. I have a home that’s far from a palace. And i had been through shit and back. I thought I can be Cinderella. But hey, remember, Cinderella was the rightful daughter in the first place right? So I’m not a princess. I didn’t have it easy. and he wanted easy. But still… he didn’t make it easy.
On one casual friendly day he told me near tears, “I never wanted to hurt you.” “What did you want?” “I just wanted to make you happy.” well obviously that didn’t turn out right coz i’m obviously not. What did you want for yourself? “To be happy, too” I asked him what makes him happy now and if he is. He couldn’t answer. It probably is because that happiness might hurt me because it was all a deception and all the reasons were lies to mask the truth. Or maybe because he really doesn’t know. Do you even know how it feels to be rejected and have a broken heart? No.
I do. Right now, my self esteem is down the drain because all the things I know how to do… everything I built my future on wasn’t good enough for him. I based the standards of self worth and my importance in life through his eyes. and now that I am no longer worthy and the important person in his, where do i begin to build the foundation of my ego.
First in mind would be Mio. But he was born to me. I trained him to answer he loves me too even in his sleep. I trained him to see me as the most beautiful woman on earth. And he didn’t have a choice. Once in my life, someone picked me to be “the most beautiful and sweetest girl in [his] world!” Now, I feel far from beautiful (although yeah a lot of you have been saying I look skinny lately… I’d think of it as a compliment. but for people like me, skinny is not good). and i am far from sweet. more like, pessimistic, bitchy and angsty. I am bad company. I am dark and twisty inside. I thought of bad things such as smashing a bottle of beer on the face of whoever I see his arms wrapped around in. I thought of stalking down his car in the shangri-la parking lot and scratching it and blowing his tires. I thought of telling people about his bad habits and dirtiest secrets.
You see, intelligence runs in the genes. And once, my sister was screwed over another girl after 6years of blissful togetherness. and she went cuckoo too. she materialized everything i can possibly imagine. and my sister is the sweetest… as in cupcakes with frosting and cherries on top sweet. She is nowhere near jaded and delusional. So maybe it runs in the genes. Or maybe it just happens.
He said I was driving myself crazy of my illusions. Boss said the same thing and she said I should just accept that its going to be hard… harder than i expected (because mhan! A month is a far cry my goodness, 30 days and counting of self pity?!! God help me). And i should focus on the facts. The facts are, as she enumerated were:
1. I complained a lot. I’d defend the other bench by saying I was a very impatient and discontented girl. But I was sat back and told that I deserve more like what I said. 2. I was breaking it off a week before he did. But he begged me and asked me if I can live without him and he fixed it until he cracked. Or until he finalized some back up plan i suppose. 3. He said it himself. He can’t accept the very person who is MY flesh and blood. After 3 damn years, he was knocked on the head and he came “clean”. supposedly. 4. I lost myself in that relationship. I lost touch of theater, I forgot how dancing was like to live music, I lost my own sense of style (back track: When I was being interviewed for a most coveted title, Fashion Editor, I said it straight out that I wasn’t a trendy person. I just think I have my own sense of style and I know what looks good on me. After much pondering, I think I forgot all about that when I started to be dictated by other people’s preference). Hell, I’m a fashion editor, i know what I’m wearing! 5. He wasn’t that attractive when I met him. I literally clothed him and made him feel like the most handsome man on earth. 6. He was always the one who broke it off with his girlfriends. 7. He’s not ready. So I waited. Because that’s what his friends told me to do. It turns out, all the waiting made it bitter and sour. 8. I’ve always done it by myself. And i can do it again. 9. As Ray said it so nicely on my blogspot, “I am accepted, appreciated, admired and loved for who I am.” 10. I don’t need to please anyone.
I never promised a life with me was ever gonna be easy. I just said it was going to be great. I hope it was. Someday, I will be ready to look at you and find pride in the fact that I made you a better person by loving you. I made you resilient, attractive and confident. And I will be able to convince myself that your presence in my life was all just to hit me on the head and remind me that I am worth more than how I am perceived.
I’m taking baby steps to overcome this self-pitying. I took my son to school every morning the way parents should do, I prepared his baon and planned his bus trips; I attended meetings and went to events to represent my company fully made up and in style–all for the press photos, darlings; i felt fabulous. I went to Xaymaca on a thursday and danced to good music just like how I would have, no other reason but to fill my soul with the sound of real music. I went out with friends and watched a play 🙂 And i walked out of the theater house feeling energized like the surge of energy from all those kids onstage affected me.
I am worth loving because I am a passionate person and I never settle for mediocre. I am important because I affect people and I was hand-picked to do exactly that for a human being. I am talented and brilliant at the things I do. I am beautiful not because I am clothed in expensive jewelry or that I was raised like a princess. I am beautiful because I am strong and I live my life to the fullest. And maybe because I know life from a perspective most won’t even dare to step in and see through that side… maybe because I am a little crazy.