Mio and I got home quite late from his chemo today. Seemed like he suffered more from not eating than the injection. Groggy and all, all he could ask for was “can we eat in the restaurant after?” “Can i eat now?” all this lying down and dizzy. It took some time until he embraced the kets and fell into a short slumber.
We got home and he finished two servings of Chow King Chow Fan. All by himself. He’s eating like a horse and drawing his entire day away. His crayons are shorter than mine if I still had crayons from before. Just a few minutes ago, Mio asked my help in a maze he was trying to figure out. I mapped it out and guided his hand once I figured it out. Unfortunately, I quickly forgot a turn and made a few mistakes to which I apologized for. My son answers:
“Its ok Mom. I make mistakes too.”
Curious to what else is to come, I ask him what he does when he makes a mistake. “I erase it!” And if you can’t? I probed further. “I make a new drawing and start again!” As if it was common sense.
I know its easy to erase a blog post and start all over again but I won’t. The same way that the events in my past are irreversible and the things I regret not doing for Mio are too. Sometimes I think I could have done something to prevent him from having cancer or I could have been a better Mom even before cancer, but there is no questioning God’s plan for us. I can however start all over again everyday like its a new day. If I may, I’d like to share a written note I found in my journal. I share this “mistake” fondly because the fear and the anxiety I had days before I sent Mio to the hematologist for his assessment based on the rheumatologist’s suggestion (our initial complain were his joint pains, you see) are all gone. And I am confident that everything I promised him here, we can do together:
You have to get better, anak. You can’t leave Mommy. You promised you will never leave me. There is no other reason to live if you go. Son, please. Dear God, don’t take him away please. Keep my Mio safe and healthy. He’s a good boy and he’d be a total waste of love if you take him away. Give me a chance to be a better Mom. I’m begging you.
Don’t let me go. I can’t keep going without him. Anak, I promise I’ll take care of you and I will never leave you. You are mine. You’re my Mio. Don’t go. Don’t be sick please. We have so much to do. We still have to buy you a pet; go to Disneyland; you’ll go pa to Ateneo for big school; you’ll learn pa how to drive and I’ll buy you a real car; I still have to have you circumsized!
I’ll teach you pa how to drink and not take drugs; and if you ever do, how not to make it take over you; I still have to meet your girlfriend. And in case its a boyfriend, I still have to let you know its ok. I’ll walk you down the aisle pa coz I won’t if you don’t want me to. Its just you and me, you said. So don’t dare leave Mommy. Don’t ever leave Mommy. Because I love you always. Even if I’m just learning (how to be a good Mommy), you said so yourself, I already know how.
Don’t leave Mommy, good boy. I would rather die. I couldn’t wish for anything more but to be enough for you only because I don’t want to lose you, son. I love you more than anything and anyone. I shiver inside at the thought of losing you as if my mind will blow up and my heart is being broken and is shedding blood, so do not go away. Ever. Ok? I love you Mio. I love you so much. I can’t and won’t let you go. Love, Mom
Mio’s chemo today was tear-free (well, almost). Doctor says its probably because he sees and feels that the medicines are working and doing him good. His blood count shoot up to 300+ which is already normal. We have yet to see how he really is after another two weeks when we do another bone marrow extraction, but so far, it seems as if cancer is erasable after all. So we’re keeping our hopes up and our faith strong because cancer has no place in the next new days we are about to face.
Good night & Happy weekend people. 🙂