I See Dead People
I hate losing. Who doesn’t right? Its been a week of too many loses and i’m losing my mind over it.
UE mindlessly losing twice to La Salle (hello dba?!)… Barera losing against Pacquiao (I’m not rooting for the enemy, I was just hoping Pacquiao can experience some humbling experience of some sort)… Losing my Tito Pontie and realizing we haven’t even recovered from losing Grandpa 3 months ago… Losing money over this unstoppable illness… Mio failing to find some of his Ben10 toys of 3 sets, all of which he asked me to buy so he can complete all 18 toys only to lose them!.. Losing in general.
During the mass at Tito Pontie’s wake yesterday, the priest read the sunday mass liturgy so I’m sure you’re familiar with the gospel on the mustard seed. “Increase our faith, Lord” said the disciples. Apparently, the two verses before the gospel read, Jesus asked them two things. No, not asked. Demanded, according to the priest. He said, his followers should not cause scandal to make others sin AND we must all forgive–even if our offenders hurt us seven times. We must forgive.
My boss sent me something on the topic at hand and if I were to analyze my life right now according to that text, I must say that there really is a vulture lurking above my head, waiting to pry on my spirit. This relentless valid wrath I have in my heart is consuming the very life of me. My bestie says that in spite of knowing how blessed and beautiful I am, it seems that this anger i insist on nurturing for this one person is overcoming all the love that I can give myself and other people. That’s dying right there.
When Grandma died 4 years ago, my family’s relationship with an aunt was buried along with Grandma’s grave for reasons that up to now, my cousins and I don’t comprehend. When Grandpa passed away last July, I told my Tita after being quiet for so long, that I only wish that she can reunite with my mom and the rest of their siblings to honor our grandparents. And now that their eldest brother has died, too, I’m not so sure if it will ever be the same again… I’m not so sure if forgiveness has already been granted for all parties. How many dead people in the family must there be until forgiveness is achieved and our family’s happiness will be back to how it was before?
And how many dead people must I see–or kill, to find the peace in my heart? I bumped into his sister this morning. More of I saw her and I’m hoping against hope she did not see me. I didn’t even attempt to say hi. Not because I was ashamed but because I knew she wouldn’t understand where I came from writing all those hate blogs. Like Mike would say, get your story straight before you judge. But I’m glad that family remains to be family and no matter how evil you are, they will stand by you through thick or thin. And in this case, he has them. Good for him. Unfortunately, regardless of how fondly I keep his family in my heart, if only to keep good thoughts about the whole relationship, that relationship had to die as well.
I was just saying last week that this wrath is killing me slowly and polluting my entire human body I just might die. But there is a life in me that keeps pushing. Was in me, rather. His name is mio. And over the weekend, spending so much time with him was therapeutic. How can I not believe that I will be ok?
“Increase my faith, Lord” if i really must forgive. Well, the fortune-teller said I should be able to in two years so I still have time to buy. But I don’t think I can live like this for another two months! Its just been too long, the object of my anger probably doesn’t even remember anything about me anymore! But according to the homily, if I had faith as big as a mustard seed– if I had faith at all in the first place, I should be able to. And Jean said that He said, all I have to do is cast my burden upon Him and he will do the rest.
Then I read in Good Housekeeping what Oprah said when they put her on the cover (I went through it last night since I happen to have seen it lying around my bedside), “What is the truth of your life? It’s our duty to know. The truth is that which feels good and right and loving. Love doesn’t hurt. It feels really good. It’s what allows you to live each day with integrity. Each day, everything you do and say shows the world who you really are. Let it be the truth.”
To that note… allow me to show the world that… – my love ended in defeat. But I bring with me the kind of honor that I loved well. And the hope that I can love again. – the deaths in my family will not go in vain. Somehow I feel that Papa and Tito Pontie saved me from dying because each time I find myself ill, one of them leaves this earth …. I will not die and no vulture will ravage my soul. I will be the good person I always was because our family has raised me well and taken good care of me. There is no way that I cannot be ok. I was raised to be a faithful and spiritual child of God therefore my faith is strong. I will be forgiven. And I will forgive. – the truth is, I once said about a previous relationship that love is only real for the moment that it is said. There are no promises in love. You cannot say, “I will love you tomorrow, forever and ever…” My college pessimism should have saved me a long heartache had it kicked in sooner. the truth about love is that “I love you today” is the only real thing. While that lasts, that honest love is good and loving and feels right. When it doesn’t hold truth any longer, there’s no integrity in it. So it is forgiving after all. To say goodbye. To leave for someone else you love at this moment. So I forgive you. And like what I said before I found out the truth, I still am thankful. That you let me go so I can live without self-doubt and pretenses; that I can live my life the way I was designed to; that I can live instead of die aimlessly lost in your unique kind of love; if you have loved me at all. You are dead to me now and I have been grieving your loss for such a long time now. And as I have loved you, I have grieved your death well. Because the truth is, I have faith. And I just happen to love so well, your truth–the truth which almost caused my death– has no weight against my love and faith. None.