I once said in a random blog entry some months ago that while talking to a friend about her post-breakup condition, guilt was the most ….. let me just paste it here:
One of my best friends was ranting earlier that she hated feeling guilty of all the feelings. This friend of mine, like most of them were built to be rational and mind-driven.
I told her, ‘but how come guilt seemed to be the only feeling that involved reason or conscience?” When you THINK about it, most feelings are just that.
Anger was mostly made up of selfish irrational physical expressions; Sadness can be brought about by the most natural things like PMS or something that everyone’s entitled to once in awhile; Happiness is mostly a burst of adrenaline brought about by the simplest things for no particular reason.
Guilt is a feeling you cannot reproduce or demand of someone. I just realized that now as I’m typing. Interesting… It is a thought that only a higher kind of knowing can push from inside. Its the most genuine form of gut feeling.
Pain is another feeling altogether. I have yet to understand how it transpires but I know it too well to know that it doesn’t equate to frustration, annoyance or disappointment. Not even anger. It just hurts. Its not a gut feeling. But it resonates all over your senses. That’s quite a feeling.
Ironically, I’m smiling at the thought of knowing all these about feelings. Truly, mind is way over matter.
Its pointless but I had to write them down anyway. Perhaps you can create some feelings out of this. Either way, its elating to realize that imagining these complex human traits can be mind blowing. The mind and the heart working together. That’s a start.
The point I’m relaying at the moment is that I feel guilty. Mio made me cry in the middle of the Power Plant at 8pm. My Mom texted that he wanted to talk to me and so I immediately called. I knew Mio was going to ask for something which wasn’t new to me at all. I’d try to instill a bit of resistance just to reiterate that he couldn’t get everything that he asks for precisely because of the value for money, patience and for the lack of discipline that I fear so much in spite of how ill he is said to be. I was in the mall at an ungodly hour because I was cramming several pullouts (aka sourcing or gathering of clothing and styling pieces whether borrowed or purchased from stores in order to come up with looks or an outfit for a given assignment whether for a tv show, magazine shoot or such). In fact, I’m still at the studio trying to put all these clothes together in time for taping tomorrow at an early call time and another in two different poles of this city! I’m not complaining about work because its precisely what I’m supposed to do.
That or attend to my cancer-stricken son. You probably think, “what’s wrong with this mother?” She’s guilty. That’s what’s wrong.
He called to say he wanted to go to the arcade tomorrow and that he wanted me home in time for when he’s about to sleep. I said that’s not possible because I had so much work to do in different places tomorrow and that I was still working as we spoke. “I don’t want Wednesday, I want on Tuesday. And I don’t want you to sleep in the studio, I want you here.” He kept nagging me. I felt my voice raising a pitch higher. And I felt the stress rashes creeping all over my body. I was already annoyed because I was saying tomorrow while he kept saying Tuesday, not Wednesday — it was all too confusing and choppy at the same time. It was frustrating to say the least.
He was silent for awhile and I was probing a bit, “Mio, do you understand Mom? Mio?” He answered and said, “I’m just sad. I’m crying.” WTF. It’s guilt-trip to the highest level! And he’s just 5. My son is not manipulative at all, I know he’s a good boy. I was just saying that this morning for crying out loud! So I knew that that throbbing feeling and the crack in my voice was coming nowhere else but from within. Its ruthless.
I wanted to remind him (I actually did, I did try to pull the guilt-trip back at him, shame on me) that I had to postpone several of my scheduled pullouts throughout this morning just so I can spend more time with him and give in to his request to go to the arcade first thing in the morning when the mall opens on a weekday since that was my rule if he were to go out. I had to tell him time and again that he’s not supposed to go out but I let him because he’s a good boy and he’s well. If he got sick, even have the slightest cold, I’d die of guilt.
Little did I know he’d kill me with it. I cried to him actually and I was stuttering with words saying things like, “Anak naman e, hindi na nga ako magkandaugaga sa dami ng kailangan kong gawin, pinagbibigyan naman kita sa lahat, dba? Wag ka naman ganyan, sumasama na yung loob ko e.” And Mio hated it when I spoke to him in straight Filipino either because he knew I was genuinely upset or that he didn’t understand me. I cried to Mom when I asked him to put her on the phone. I’m happy my parents understand what I have to go through. Maybe its that time of the month. But Mio called a few minutes after and said sorry.
I remain guilty though. That doesn’t change a thing. He’s still a child like any other and the basic necessities of a five year old would be his Mom by his bedside at night or for her to have decent hours devoted to taking care of him, its a shame really that I have to spread myself so thinly. If he doesn’t get better with all the medicine and toys we buy out of the money I claim to work so hard for on top of the help you give, I don’t know what relief will appease me but for the meantime, I am guilty as charged and it sucks.
on that note, I leave you with this well crafted artwork by no other than the most effective prosecutor born on earth! He has drawn us our house as if telling me that I ought to be in it 24/7! Yet here I am at the studio, working while blogging just so that…. I’m such in a dilemma, I’m literally torn into pieces. How can you not feel guilty not being with a child like this?