• Jasmine Mendiola

Fighting Steadiness

I’m really scared.

You know how fast i fall and how much I give.

My happiness is evident to people surrounding me. A clairvoyant once told me my aura is amber, filled with energies of appreciation and love. My energy is usually misinterpreted as selfishness but in reality i am a giving person and that I am at peace when he was talking to me, according to him.

My path however led me to a person that appears to be good for me in ways that contradict my type, my past and my expectations but yet there is an energy that draws me to him.

But whether or not he likes me enough, I can’t seem to put together the courage and excitement I have over falling in love again and the fear and uncertainty of losing again.

I read my blog from start to finish and I don’t want to go through that again. I try to look back and pick on my own mistakes without basing it the other people because this time around, I know that I have a perspective of how to make things work–how to make them right.

I feel a twitch underneath my chest, like a throbbing pain waiting to come out. As if the muscles around my heart are working twice as hard to fight off the anxiety and preparing itself for a huge blow. i feel the joy trapped in my throat, drowned in sour tears right on top of a scab waiting to be scraped off.

I would rather not.

I’m locking my heart and throwing away the key. I will be ruthless and resilient because that’s how i’m supposed to be. I did not ask for this right now. If I am ready then why is there so much fear and anxiety?

No one will break me again.

I am strong,resilient and I will not be broken. I know my place. I know my worth. I am not perfect but I am not screwed.

I am beautiful, smart and loving. I am grateful for the abundance of blessings.

The chaos in my head is shaking me hard. Hard enough to make me tough and steady.

I will no longer be scared I am holding my honor to a higher ground.

And when the pain succeeds to the surface I will remain grateful. Because his patience, attention and humor brings me joy. Because inspite of the reluctance and the hurt The goodness in his heart deserves respect and a kind of affection That I know I was built with the capacity to give.

Rise above and say thank you. Be still my heart.

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Jasmine Mendiola

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©2019 by Jasmine Mendiola