Addicted to Love
I just finished watching the 2 pilot episodes of (guess what?) Grey’s Anatomy (what else?)
And lately, I’ve come to terms with my day to day activities; with my singlehood in general; with my stress level; with my life. I admit to being addicted to organizing things the way they should be. So compromising that for my impulsive urge to ditch bulky two phones for a cool-but-not-so-organized T22 compels me to either stick to the habit of bringing a PDA aside from just a phone. So I bought a Palm TX which works quite well to my advantage.
No… that’s not the addiction I meant. There was a time in my life I really thought I was obsessed with the idea of loving and being loved. Then whenever someone comes along, the addiction is misplaced to a person instead. At this point however, I think 5 months of being single is considered rehab in my case. Because at this point, I feel that love isn’t addictive anymore. Its not a drug. Its not something you take to feel good. Its a blessing and a responsibility at the same time. Both, you have to nurture the best way you know how. And both, too, you cannot possess on your own. You have to delegate, or work it out with a team. Both, you have to learn to share, or let go, when its not yours anymore.
And what I have right now, which I seriously think I am addicted to, is my work and my son.
You know how insecurity kicks in when competition comes or when other colleagues step up the ladder? But that’s selfishness and addiction talking. I am grateful to realize that in my kind of work, I can only get better and learn to deal with the changing times and trends and wait for my turn.
You know my son can write his name on his own now. Can you imagine how proud I am. And passing by Rockwell yesterday, he remembered that his Tita Nikki’s school is there and we had this conversation about that being Ateneo also, asked him if he wanted to go to that school, too if he wanted to be a lawyer, and he said no because he wants the Ateneo with the big and the blue eagle. I said, it depends if he wants to study somewhere else after going to that Ateneo, and asked him what he wanted to be in the first place-a doctor, an engineer or a lawyer, or whatever- he said, he doesn’t know and that all he wants is to study in Ateneo. That’s a 5-year plan right there for my 3 year old! I can’t wait for the time we’d converse and argue about priorities, responsibilities and life and love… then I’d have to let him go for some chick he fancies and the next thing I know, I’m gonna walk him down the isle (how about that thought? walking my son down the isle… I might as well wear a wedding gown myself since it possibly is the only time I’d get to. Haha!)
I can only be grateful now that I know how to love. I really do. And the best part is that I love myself, too. I’m just praying to the high heavens that love isn’t enough. So that there’s something I can constantly look forward to. A 5-year plan. A goal that I can accomplish everyday instead of what I used to do of just waiting for His providence to land on my lap.
Let me share some really nice quotes I got from both episodes. Love. Love isn’t all you need.
Meredith on an amputated single pregnant woman right before her surgery: “i think its very brave what you’re doing. i think its better to be alone and feel like a success than be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time. so lets [work on putting back your arm] and just deal with the rest later.” Derrek talking to Mrs. Burke about Preston’s departure and Cristina’s kind of love– Momma: Do you think she really did love him? Derrek: I think she loved him the best way she knew how. Momma: and that wouldn’t have been enough for you either? Derrek: no. that wouldn’t have been enough for me. no. Momma: so you would have ended it too? Derrek: well, [Preston and I are built differently]. He was stronger than i am. he is stronger and we’re just not built the same. Momma: Honorable men are all built the same. Derrek: Oh. So you think I am honorable? Momma: Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than what you deserve? If you do then you are an honorable man. Meredith’s narration on Episode 2, Season 4 “The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Because eventually whatever it is that gets us high, doesn’t feel good anymore. or starts to hurt. They say [you don’t know you’re addicted and when to stop] until you hit rock bottom. but how do you know you’re already there? because no matter how badly an addiction is hurting us, sometimes letting it go feels worse.”
Izzie on a man who resents being friends with drug dealers– “You know it doesn’t mean that if people do horrible things they’re horrible people.“