Musings in Solitude
I attempted to clean house at 9am. I fell asleep with the pullouts and the makeup kit all over the place.
I slowly put them away and put up a small christmas tree for me and Mio. i fell asleep on the carpet in between Tapa King deliveries because my rice cooker isn’t working and I actually refuse to cook or wash the dishes, what with everything I had to do.
It’s past midnight and I haven’t accomplished anything save for a few blog entries, an advice to a friend who dropped by and a corrupted dvd of Mama Mia. I’m staring at my house and its still a mess.
My life is a mess.
My work is all just a plan and my bank account is barely full. My son is at my parents and I am all alone on a Saturday night. I would be out and about if I felt like it but I don’t. Perhaps because its that time of the month or the fact that the house is dirty but I feel alone. Like most days.
My life is blessed.
Yet I am still looking for that happy ending. Seriously. Is this the best my happy ending can be? Just me?
What if Mio grows old and finds a family of his own, how about me?
I feel bad that right now, I resent even having Mio’ father around. I try hard to understand why it had to be him in the first place, why I had to go through so much if in the end it would still be him. I try hard to understand that if he’s wrong there is another greater reason for keeping me around like this. There has to be a reason why I am trained to do things on my own. I have to understand why he’s not fully in our life and is just there for Mio. I have to understand why I have to share Mio when he is all that I have. If he was given to me then why do I have to carry this burden of sharing him at all. If it isn’t sharing then I must get something out of this too.
I’m not sure if I even want this. But i can’t be selfish to Mio. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know it would be this hard. I’m trying very hard not to care and not to think of myself. I should be happy Roman is consistent with Mio and that he is being responsible when he needs to be. I should be content. Its the best setup for Mio.
I can’t help think of Joao. And how I tried hard to make him a part of our life. I can’t help resent that I did that and hurt myself only to find myself back where I was supposed to be in the first place. I can’t compare how it could have been with Joao when it felt so right back then. I can’t help think if Roman can do better or that he already is because the fact that he is half of Mio is enough to be happy that he’s here right now. I remember Sean. And how wreckless I was with all them others. I’d like to think having Roman around will keep Mio sane and that I won’t have to introduce any other man to him ever again.
But my life is his, I have devoted it to him. I remember that the reason I was happy with Joao–the only reason, was that for as long as I had him to take care of ME, I can take care of Mio. I’ve accomplished a lot and have turned the tables around because now I know I CAN take care of Mio without someone beneath my wings. But wouldn’t it be nice if I did? Someone for me. I would really want a happy ending. The kind that girls dream of. I wasn’t the kind of little girl who would play with their Mom’s makeup or play pretend of a prince charming carrying them off their feet. I was the little girl who would act out soap operas, pretending I’d throw out a man out of the house because he cheated on me. I had a happy childhood with a twisted drama all of my own. Perhaps this is what I was made for.
But I want a normal life. I want a beautiful wedding. I want to be in love. And although these thoughts do not relate to each other in anyway whatsoever, I can’t help make sense out of it and wish that they’d all come down to the basics and make me a happier person.